Waitress, I need two more boat drinks

I'm a native Floridian and as such I love the beach. Not the ones you see on TV with condos and high rise hotels and flashing lights and fine dining. No. I like the ones that haven't been taken over by tourists, the ones tucked away and still obscure (though rarer and rarer), with weathered houses and sand on the floor and dive bars and sticker burrs and restaurants with plastic tablecloths and fried mullet.

I come from a long line of boat and beach people. We've had a place at one of those out-of-the-way redneck beaches since I was little, and my fondest memories of childhood are there, pulling the net and learning to waterski and building drip sand castles on the beach for hours and digging up sand dollars with my toes in the Gulf and paying toothless shrimpers to buy us beer when I was 13. My father and all my uncles spent summers as hands on boats, and one of them, the craziest of them, has spent most of his life on a boat, running from and just "running." He's down there now somewhere south, surfing and telling fish tales and going crazier every day.

So, inherently, I appreciate the inclination to go native, to go tropical. Which is why I was eager to review Lindi's Ideas, bland name and all. Because Lindi has done just that -- gone native -- and she's done it for a while now. And I admire that so very much. She's been all over, working on boats and scuba diving and teaching and, I imagine, having every kind of adventure. She's lost and found and has found herself in the Yucatan with a young Latin lover (I assume he's her lover; she doesn't quite say) and a house in Merida and a life of serenity and observation.

The template, like the name, leaves a lot to be desired. It's your standard blue blogger template. Blah. Flavorless. Soulless. Find something with flavor, something with a little kick. Linda, I know you don't know much about this whole blogging thing, but figure it out. Ask for help. Or go here.

There's no blogroll, or anything else for that matter, which does make it entirely uncluttered. But there's little in the design or in the "extras" to tell us who you are. And for some reason you contribute to your blog twice. How does that work?

The posts are loooong. Like this one, which I'm sure is interesting, but I can't be bothered because it goes on forever without paragraph breaks. Pick a topic and write about it. If the topic is expansive, narrow it down. Break it up. Especially if it's a "we went here and did this and here are the pictures" kind of post. Yawn. People won't care unless you make them care, and dragging on ad nauseum with no break isn't going to do it.

The writing is serene, almost formal. And it tends tends to plod. I wonder if it has to do with switching between English and Spanish (and Mayan!) in her day-to-day life. I have a friend who's lived in Korea for 10 years, and his English writing is now a bit... stilted. Without a voice.

The blog description uses the dreaded word "ramble," and it fits. There's no knowledge of where to end, of when enough is enough. I had a friend like this who couldn't for the life of her end a voicemail message. It's like she had no off switch. She didn't want to sit there rambling forever, awkwardly saying things like, "So, yeah, either call or whatever, you know? Um.... So. Did I say it's me? It is. And it's six o'clock. And we'll be here until whenever, so just, um... Yeah. Oh! Calamity says hi! And... um..." but she couldn't help herself. Hang up the phone already! Have a point! Even in your blog submission form, where you tell us about yourself, the form cut you off. I'm serious! You wrote so much the form said, nope, you're done, we're gonna stop you right there.

And when I say "have a point," I don't mean cat stuff. I like animals, too, mostly of the canine variety, but I don't know anyone who wants monthly updates on my furry friends. They wouldn't want updates if they were my actual children, either, so find something else. You're living in the dang-diddly Yucatan! There has got to be all sorts of junk to write about other than cats.

Linda, you are a fascinating, bold, and brave woman, who no doubt has reams of stories to tell... but you're not telling them. In your submission form you said, "I thought maybe I would sit my ass down to write every day instead of smokin too much dope and staring at teh computer..." Girl, do I ever know the feeling. Trust me, I'm all over that. You also say, "and although I know you will crucify me, fuck it, I am in the mood today. I must be a masochist because I have not shown my real self on that page, in fear of offending my family with my f..." (that's where the form said buh-bye). Awesome. You know there's a problem, you know you're muzzling yourself. And this is never a recipe for good blogging.

This is where it got interesting to me. The calm, peaceful, la-la-la of it all came crumbling down and we see some personality, some frustration, some life. Do more of this! Stop worrying if you offend people. This is the problem with non-anonymous blogs -- people get all wrapped up in what they're saying instead of just saying it. You have, I'm sure, lived one of the most interesting lives being blogged about, but we wouldn't know it because your posts are sanitized and travelogged and shuttered to hell and back. Take the ball gag out and give it back to Love Bites.

Also, in that bit up there from your submission form that I posted? There we get to see how you might talk, what you might sound like. It's more natural, less forced, less "I'm writing so I better write like I'm writing and take it seriously and inject it all with formality and all due decorum." Fuck that. Get real. Tell us the truth, tell us who you are, or don't bother.

Because I do absolutely find you fascinating, and because there's the potential for some great storytelling, I'm giving you





But if you don't step it up, if you don't start editing your writing so that it sounds like you and start telling us the good stuff and start revealing who you are and what you think and where you've been, well. You've been warned. Those flaming fingers singe something fierce.

Tears of a clown

This is going to sound hypocritical coming from a girl who calls herself Calamity and writes for a blog with vulgarity and threatened violence in the URL. But honestly? I don't like haters. Blogs that exist for the sole purpose of tearing others down and spewing bile and basically hating on everyone and everything turn me off.

I know. One could argue that we here at Ask spew our own particularly virulent brand of vitriol and gleefully take people down a notch or two. Or 47. And that's true. BUT! I truly believe we have altruistic intentions. We are merely here to serve, to entertain, and to clean up the blog world, one flaming finger at a time. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. And it's funnier.

So, yes, I'm a hypocrite. I can own that.

Which brings me to my review of Site Insights, which the owner claims is "A site with a few insights into life in the digital age, including pop culture humor, observations and thoughts from a new media douchebag.... As well as satirical and sarcastic commentary on being a middle aged geek in a twenty something world." And to that I say, well, at least he's honest. Except about the humor bit. Also, middle aged? Man. I thought he was 26, tops.

All we're told in his "about" spiel is that this person hates everything. Now, that's not boring in the least, is it? No interests, no personal history, no name, no gender, no background, no insight of any kind into who the author is. "Just Sayin'" is all we get, which, as a phrase, got old at least 3 years ago.

The design is website-y and a little befuddling. And unsettling. I'm not sure where to look. Call me simple-minded, but I need something more straightforward. And I hate this "click to read more" shit. Although, in Just Sayin's case, it does allow me to skip over those posts that don't interest me, which happens kind of a lot.

There's way too much stuff in the sidebar and footer. JS, you've got top posts, recent posts, recent comments, and another top posts. Why? Get rid of all of it and stick with an archive and category list and a blogroll. You're killing me with all that busy shit. This is a blog design for a magazine, or a team blog, not some guy venting about Paris Hilton and why rednecks are stupid.

And I can't deal with the little linky ad shit in the posts. I can't tell when you're sending me somewhere for emphasis to back up your writing, or if you're going to send me to a site about lower interest rates, which, if I wanted to find out about lower interest rates I'd goddamn go to Google, not a post on your blog that relates in no way whatsoever to the sites/ads that are linked. It's infuriating.

Moving on to the content: The "list of eleven" crap appended to every list is kind of pathetic. It doesn't take a real genius to recognize when the funny has left the building. There's some uneven posting, unless I'm missing some navigation option, which is entirely possible as this design overwhelms me. April 2008 has like four billion posts, while July has three. And they're all pop culture-related. And not even the good pop culture, like Buffy or James Bond or Dallas. Also, this guy is more into girly pop culture than any girl I've ever known.

The humor -- and I use that term loosely -- is tired, stereotypical (which he at least admits to), juvenile, and repetitive. And the writing is sophomoric. There aren't a lot of spelling snafus, but the ellipses have taken over the joint. It's a rambling, stream of consciousness mess of misogynism and ba-dum-bum-isms. I just picture this guy chortling to himself, cackling with glee over how funny he is. Thing is, he's just not. At least not to me. I didn't even crack a smile. Now, I remember what happened the last time I said someone with a humor blog was unfunny, don't y'all? Yeah, it wasn't pretty. But it was, ironically, funny.

You want to be a blogging god but aren't sure how? Well, me neither. But I know how you can stop being a blogging douche:

Your most interesting and revealing post didn't try to be funny. And that's what this blog has a lot of -- attempts at humor. Don't try so hard. Stop trying to convince everyone you're funny. The strain has to be killing you. It's a bit like Pollyanna writing a sex blog -- forced and uncomfortable and, ultimately, liable to break you out in hives.

So, ok, maybe some people think you're funny. I'm only one person, after all, and I'm not the arbiter of humor. (Although, dammit, why can't I be?) Anyway, what I'm trying to get at is, maybe you have some amusing insight into pop culture or "new media." But what you're publishing is just the same old crap someone else is publishing, only yours has less forethought, precision, and care. Seriously, the ellipses are your crutch and you've got to cast those things aside and say you're healed, because they aren't helping you at all. It's lazy, and it saves you from having to form complete thoughts, cohesive paragraphs, and polished posts.

I can't tell you how to be funny, but I can tell you how not to suck. Write what you know, take some time crafting your posts, be honest, let us in a little bit, tell us about yourself instead of whatever celebrity every other humor/pop culture/gossip blog in the world is covering, or if you insist on devoting time to celebrity news, try to bring something original, something fresh. And above all, tell us who you are, not who you want us to think you are -- the jaded, hateful cynic with talons to sharpen. Because it doesn't ring true. I sense (barely) a real person under all this contrived snark and false bravado. A person who, I suspect, would be more interesting than the guy you're playing at.

It's like your Aunt Edna's ass. It goes on forever and it's just as frightening.

I'm 33-years-old, and I don't have kids. I've never really wanted them, even when I was younger, when I just assumed I'd have them in the natural course of events, because it's what you do. Like buying a house and paying taxes and getting a Kitchen Aid and going to Home Depot on Saturday mornings. I don't think I have that baby craving gene. Puppy cravings, yes. I have four dogs. But kids? I don't know, man. They straight up terrify me. It's this whole other person, dependent entirely upon you, just waiting for you to fuck up their world and ruin everything and become the person they vilify in the analyst's chair every week for $500 a pop.

At my age, though, most of my friends have children. And if they don't, they're on their way, doing the charting and vitamins and temperature checks and cervix mucus and all that jazz. And I? Am flummoxed. I try. I listen and nod and ask questions and offer never to babysit. But I'm way, way, way out of my league with the whole kids thing.

But my dogs are freaking adorable.

Sarah, the Pessimistic Bitch, is among those trying to conceive and she uses her blog to chart her experiences with infertility. It is an interesting and frustrating set of circumstances, so the drama is there.

The design is clean, uncluttered, and white. Lots of ALL CAPS going on, which is slightly annoying. Otherwise, the writing area is appropriate, as is line spacing and font size. It's not too terribly cluttered, although the little traffic thing always freaks me out -- there I am! Ack! Why do we need this? Overall, it's blah but benign. She could stand to snazz it up some with a nifty banner or some color or some personality. And maybe use Pessimistic Bitch somewhere other than just the URL. I'm assuming that's the blog title, after all.

Sarah, good job rolling up the archives, but do it by months, not weeks. And add years to the dates. It's confusing as hell otherwise. And your about info should be up where we can find it, not hanging out down there at the bottom of the page. Better yet, put it on a separate page. Tabs are your friend.

There are acres of acronyms, the definitions of which I haven't a clue. Link this somewhere prominent or create a new post with definitions for those of us without baby making on the brain.

The writing comes in fits and starts in the beginning, jumping several months, which is natural. I did the same when I started. But there's no commentary about this lapse, and that's unsettling. She just jumps right back into her narrative. How about some transition? Some back story? The story so far in the sidebar is fine, but, Sarah, since your blog is, essentially, about your progress toward pregnancy, some more background is in order. Put it on its own page.

Sarah has some funny stuff (and heartbreaking stuff) to share that is absolutely ruined by rookie writing mistakes. She's got good material, a nice voice, and a fun personality, but the blog is haphazardly written and overlong. Some of it is a total mess. I am going to go on a one-woman crusade to teach the American people how to use apostrophes. Also, paragraphs really should not go on for yards. What we have here is an engaging person with an interesting story to tell who is a lazy writer, doesn't edit, and has a propensity for rambling.

She has really nice breasticles, though.

Look, Sarah. I like you. Even though I can't relate at all to the baby thing, your story and your struggle and your self pulled me in. Imagine how much more invested a reader would be if you paid attention to grammar and spelling and didn't just fling words up there on the page as they came to you. It's possible the grammar snafus got to me this time, because I'm feeling my inner (and outer) editor hardcore. I'm itching to take my red pen (razor fine point) to your blog and eviscerate it, the crimson ink mingling with your blog's pink, wriggly vitals (whoa -- I just went somewhere scary).

I want the best for you and your family. I want you to get pregnant. And I want to follow your journey. But I don't want to do it if you're not going to take the time to make your words count, to sharpen your sentences, and polish your paragraphs. I know you love him, we all do: take a page from Xbox. Look at his crisp, succinct, evocative, crafted words. The stream of consciousness writing, irregular capitalization, random spacing, lack of punctuation, and laissez-faire attitude in general toward English usage and conventions is a glaring and distracting counterpoint to your genuinely engaging voice.

So, you get this:








with a promise for stars if you add some interest to your design and start paying attention to your writing.

===

And speaking of bumping people's ratings up, Preston gets stars from me for writing a funny analysis of my review and blinging up his blog.

You people are BASTARD PEOPLE!

If Corky St. Clair had a blog, this would be it. Preston is involved in community theater, has some quirky collections, and loves Disney and his martinis. He has an ex with Cher tattoos, people. He has a crush on the Free Credit Report guy (Which, by the way, that damn song is now in my head for eternity. Blast you!). This is some hardcore Broadway gay. Which means I have to like him, if only a little. Even his name is gay! Preston. I ask you. It's fabulous. No. It's faaaahbulous.

But there are some issues. The template, for one. Bo-ring. Also, I don't think I get it. Blue Skies? I read your whole blog -- you really are that cheerful, aren't you? It is blue skies and sunny days and Barry Manilow up in this shit.

Anyway, the template. Switch your main body to a light background with dark text because what you've got now hurts the eyes. And bump up the font size. There's way, way too much clutter in the sidebar. Get rid of the blinking shit and badges. Find a template with tabs and put them on another page if you must retain them. Although I'll tell you now that those communities people join to try to boost readership and commenting are often more trouble than they're worth. And who wants to be a joiner, anyway?

Move your blogroll to a separate page because holy crap it's huge. Roll up your archives and move them up toward the top of your sidebar. And why would someone want to translate your page? Get rid of that. If people need a site translated, they know where to go. And shrink your search field and put it in the sidebar. It's taking up valuable writing property. Or better yet, just lose it. Blogger already has a search function right there at the top.

The content is innocuous. It's impersonal and surface. We don't get to know a lot about Preston's motivations or fears or hopes or demons. He's not a bad writer. The Ts are crossed and the commas are in the right places, and he's conversational if infomercially. There's poetry (yes, poetry), recipes, lots of article-ish posts, and some seriously yawn-worthy discussion on sunflowers. He does some very PG-rated humor and there's a moderately amusing story about hemorrhoids.

Preston's sweet like pie and a good person and I think he likely has an interesting story to tell, but it seems to me he's caught up in the whole everyone has a blog so I should, too, thing. To me his blog seems to be very much about us -- about the reader and what we might like to see or read or hear or know about -- and not very much about him. There's a balance to be found, between knowing what makes for interesting reading and using blogging as a means of expression. Right now it feels like Preston wants us all to like him, he wants to put on a good show, but by doing that he only lets us see the mask.

He hasn't been blogging long, and maybe he's still trying to figure out his motivation for blogging, his direction. And I suspect that he's allowed people in his personal and professional life to view his blog, so that could easily put a damper on genuine self-expression.

Ultimately, this is a puff piece. It's one guy's repository of benign observations and online community building. The writing is adequate if not particularly engrossing, but neither is it off-putting. It's... nice. And that, as I know all too well, is the kiss of death.

So, Preston, take off the mask. Give us more than one-dimension. I like you. I think you're unique and fun and probably a great friend to have around. But what you're giving now is the same as any number of blogs out there. Nice, fine, vanilla. Bland. I want bloody hot, like your martinis. When you figure out why you're blogging, when you drop the mask and let us see some method, resubmit. I'm sure then you'll get some stars.

Churchill's black dog meets Buddha

Depression with a capital D is a bitch. It's a bitch on wheels with a sidecar of black, dark, deep, abiding, ceaseless, grimy, angry fear when you're depressed, fat, seemingly friendless, gaining on middle age, unemployed with few prospects, single with few prospects, and without health insurance when your closest companion is four-legged and incapable of speech.

And Katherine at Beyond My Slab should know, because she's all of these.

You'd think her blog would be an unmitigated downer, an endless stream of woe is me. And it is. Sort of. But by dint of Katherine's voice, this slow crawl toward despair is -- or at least it was for me -- impossible to stop reading.

The bright design is nice, and it flies in the face of the palpable doldrums rolling of the site (an effort, perhaps, to put on a brave face), but I could do without the highlighter yellow. Katherine, consider tabs for an About page, and move the favorite books, movies, etc., there. Think about limiting the number of posts per page, too, to cut down on scrolling. Figure out how to make your archives into a drop-down list. And I suggest a larger font size -- the one you've got makes my head hurt.

She's prolific, having blogged for two years and participated in Blog365 at some point, and I read the entire thing. This says something. It could be the dogs. I'm not going to lie, this blog is chock full of them. Dogs, dogs, dogs, and more dogs. Which is fine by me 'cause I have four of them, but cat lovers may despair.

But it's not just her fuzzy, noble companion, Buddha. She's got this quiet sense of humor. And she's kind of zen when she's not letting misery pull her down. And she's interesting. Quirky in the best ways. She likes old movies and Pratchett. She's a little pickled, and I like her version of denial. And she has these really weird dreams that I'm so glad she documents. I mean, who has sex dreams about Jacques Cousteau? I ask you. It reminds me of my sex dreams about Father Mulcahy.

The blog is really well-written, but it wasn't until this post that I figured out how old Katharine is. There's a really slow reveal going on here, with bits and pieces taunting me. But there's also a willingness to let it all out there, to show her warts, that I can't help but like.

Sure, there's some boring stuff and memes, but there's a nice mix of short and long, meaningful and fluffy posts. And with this litany of daily accomplishments, one gets the feeling that it's holding her together, keeping her focused, and so it's kind of fascinating. It gets a little Eeyore-ish, sure, but she writes it so well I don't much mind. There's a whole lot of sadness going on, but it's nicely written, so cleanly expressed. There ends up being a really scary time around the fall/winter of 2007, and it's continued recently. Honestly, it worries me. I want to hug her.

Katherine. You wrote recently of wanting to chuck it all in and delete your blog Don't. Please. Ok, so maybe you're not popular and swimming in comments. Neither am I, frankly, on my personal blog. But keep at it. What you're doing here is valuable, to yourself and to your readers. And I think you should have more. I don't know why you don't, except maybe people turn away from the drag, don't know how to respond to what's going on in your life. All I'm saying is I like you. I like your blog. I wish things were going better for you right now. I wish you'd get a great job, find a big burly man to love, nurture some rewarding friendships, and start writing the kind of stuff that isn't such a downer. Because I know you've got it in you, and I want to hear all about it.

If you weren't doing all the things you're supposed to do when you're depressed and jobless -- getting out of the house, getting exercise, volunteering, going on interviews, joining book clubs, putting on a brave face -- I'd want to hit you upside your head for being so blue. But you are doing those things, and so I want to support you in your efforts to make a better life.

So here. Three stars eagerly, unreservedly given, and not because I hurt for you, because I want to hope for you. It's because I like what you have to say and the way you say it.

Fat bottomed girls you make the rockin' world go round

I am, shall we say, well upholstered. Thick, curvy, plump. All those euphemisms for fat. So I champion the cause of big girls being faaaaaaahbulous. It's not easy in a thin-obsessed world to be hot and heavy, but we do what we can.

So I was happy to find that my reviewee today, Mindy, is brave and honest enough to share her weight loss journey online. It's something I know I'd never be able to do, and I admire her very, very much for seeing herself as she is, wanting to love herself, and taking steps to be a better Mindy. You can be beautiful at any size, and it's awesome to see Mindy try to embrace that instead of hiding and being ashamed. Dealing with mental health issues on top of self-esteem issues ain't easy, and it's a hell of a thing to open all that up for the world to see.

Mindy's design is cute, cheerful, and hopeful, like she is. It's nicely organized and uncluttered if very girly, but girly is fine by me. And I really like the personal artsy touches.

But here comes the hard part.

Mindy has only blogging since May, so I cut her a little slack on the rambling, unfocused, bland posts. It takes a while, sometimes, to find your voice, to settle into what blogging means to you. But we're coming up on 6 months and there hasn't been a lot of forward motion.

There are way too many grammar and spelling snafus. She recognizes that she makes these mistakes, so that's something, but it did interrupt the reading process for me. There's a little thing called a comma -- use it: "I love the show I have the movie and the sound track I've even been to a couple showings of it back in the states." This is murder on my eyes and I just want to hit something. Please. For the love of Strunk and White, pay attention to what you put up on the screen. "I" should be capped, so should the beginning of a sentence, and the apostrophe is a time-honored tradition when possessing or conjuncting.

Look. We all make mistakes. Lord knows I do, too. But just try. Reread. Run the spell check. Edit yourself. You're putting these words out there for the world to see. This isn't your bedside doodle book. There's an audience, and you need to respect them by not wasting their time. Before you post anything, consider whether we care, whether you can make it interesting, whether there's a story to tell, whether it's readable and relatable and interestingable (I made that word up, but I'm allowed) or at the very least certifiable (we like crazy). If not, then email someone instead of posting. I'm not saying shut up -- just make it mean something.

There are glimpses of the inner deviant, flares of personality, but they are few. Mostly, it's "I did this, then I did this, and I pushed this boundary." Pushing boundaries is great, and it's so commendable that you're getting out and living your life and getting fit and taking care of yourself and making connections. But there's no voice, no rhythm, no hook. You are a sweet, sweet person with goals and dreams and hurdles to jump and bridges to cross and experiences to feel. I genuinely like you, and I'm not uninterested in learning about your journey, but you make it hard by not giving us any flavor, any flair. Florida Girl, who I love, is your buddy, and I bet she could tell us what an engaging person you are, but you're not putting it on the screen so well.

I get that you're not a writer, and for you blogging is more about the process of confession and connection than it is about composition. But as we've said again and again here at Ask, unless you've got a seriously compelling story to tell or a whiplash personality or a shit storm of a life, your writing better be engrossing or you're doomed to the shallow end of the blogging pool, bobbing around with swimmies on your arms and soaking in the piss of that kid who eats his boogers and smells like sprouts all the time. That may be overstating it, but I do like the metaphor. My point is you just end up one of squillions, mediocre. And, you know, that's fine. We don't all get to be Michael Phelps. (I just killed that whole swimming thing, didn't I?).

Mindy, do not be discouraged. Just do better. I want you to keep blogging because I know it's good for the soul. And for someone with social phobias to let it all hang out and to bring her blog to our attention takes balls the size of Buicks. Ultimately, I like you. I think you're nice and good and admirable and talented. Just don't settle for mediocre. And for extra pressure, I'll be watching. Step it up.







P.S. You're an American, use the damn Z key! (But that's hypocritical of me because when I write, I cross my sevens.)

P.P.S. Your art is adorable, and I love seeing it.

Passing Notes

Ever since I was a teen, chugging vodka and pink lemonade (Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking with that one. Don't ask me how many times I woke up in a pool of sick. Pink sick.), firing up plastic bottle bongs, and giving blowjobs in dugouts, I've been afraid of the cops. To this day, if I see one in my rearview, I get all panicky. And I'm (usually) not doing anything wrong! It doesn't help that in college I was totally made an example of by overzealous cops busting my birthday party for "fighting" --- it wasn't fighting, y'all. That beating sound they heard was me clobbering a pinata full of blow pops and condoms. And since when are Jello wrestling pits not allowed? I ask you.

Anyway, my point is that cop avoidance is still entrenched deep within my (mostly) law-abiding heart. I mean, honestly. I won't even cut through a parking lot, people. I always use my turn signal, I rarely speed, and I once ratted on a shoplifter. So I'm a little loosey-goosey with the intoxicating substances. Does that make me a criminal? Oh. Right. I guess it does.

Which brings me to today's reviewee: MJ, who is engaged to a cop.

I am, even now, afraid to type. If my desk had a rearview I'd be checking it and sitting up straight, trying to look innocent.

To compound this, I think I've covered the fact that I'm a member of the liberal elite. Or a dirty hippy. Whichever you prefer. MJ might have been better served with Love Bites as a reviewer, hawkish hippy hater with a law enforcement history that she is. But them's the breaks, MJ. You're stuck with me. I'll try not to waft my patchouli too near you.*

The design first, because that's the easy part. The tadpoles are freaking me out. There's a boring (but easy on the eyes) gray background, and the template is relatively uncluttered and pain-free. Yahoo for tabs! You might consider rolling up your labels, though.

So, yes, I disagree with her politics. A lot. But she's at least thoughtful and not overly polemic (Although fuck you, whore, I am not immature. Pardon me while I take my toys and go home.), so I can respect that. Ish.

MJ is a Christian, but irreverent, so I don't have to worry about her hitting my pagan ass with her Bible because she's full of Christ's love.

We don't need innuendos for fucking around here, people. She tries to keep her blog PG-13, I guess, which my foul-mouthed, porn loving self just doesn't get.

There are some seriously boring (and uninspired) posts, like she's emailing her girlfriends or writing in her diary. These were the early days of her blog, though, so maybe she was just getting her bearings. Wrong. (Ok, wait. At least she recognizes it.) MJ also does a lot of LOLcats posting, which I HATE. And memes. Lots of 'em.

And oh look, she links to my pal Laurie! Goody.

It seems to me like MJ has just recently got her groove with this whole blogging thing. She's ditched a lot of the "sorry for not blogging, I'm so busy and boring" posts, which is a plus, but she still leans a lot on LOLcats and memes and links to other sites. I don't mind the links to other sites so much because I enjoy finding other places to goof off, but you run the risk of making your blog a linklog. There's a lot of community-building going on, and I can't decide if that annoys me or not (I'm pretty sure it does). On one hand I can see the benefit. Like minds and all that. But on the other it feels like it makes the blog inauthentic. Or impersonal. Or I'm not sure.

She knows she's not a writer. And though the writing isn't particularly nuanced or polished, it is mostly well-constructed and intelligent, and she has a bright and individual voice. I didn't find much to relate to, what with the whole I'm 10 years older and vulgar and a law-breaker and a heathen and a pacifist, but I can see where others might. And her Note to Idiots stuff is amusing, and I like her little "note to self" stuff at the end of each post. With the wrong person, that could be overdone and silly, but for you I think it works.

But... there's no depth. And there's no darkness. We don't see more than one or two sides of MJ. Either that's orchestrated intentionally and she doesn't want to share, or MJ is cheerfully snarky and upbeat and thankful and in love all the time.

I read the entire blog, and while I didn't hate the time I spent there (aside from a few politically motivated outbursts on my part), I mostly didn't get it. But what's weird about that is I kind of wanted to. So there's something here, something that MJ is putting out, that's drawn me in just enough to wonder... but not enough to keep me. I think I want more authenticity, more warts, more meat. MJ, I want you to not post so much flotsam and jetsam from the internet and get real. As it is your blog is fairly innocuous (except when you downtrod us poor, defenseless, do-gooder liberals). And bland. Like white bread. Or Play Dough, except less salty.

Honestly, this one stumped me. It trumps my hardest review ever. Because I kept looking for something really good. Something that would clarify my gut reaction of liking you (and I do). Something that would illustrate why, despite our differences, I want to enjoy your blog. I just never quite got there. Maybe it's because I haven't figured you out yet, not even close. And maybe you should do something to let me. Or maybe not. I'm conflicted. Obviously.








*I don't actually wear patchouli, I promise.

Don't mess with the bull, young man. You'll get the horns.

Most of you know I'm a commie pinko liberal chardonnay swilling arugula chomping egghead elitist feminist. That said, I don't agree with all the molly coddling going on these days where points don't matter and we're all winners and everyone gets a trophy for being mediocre and attendance counts for 90% of your grade. Just showing up doesn't cut it.

In the high school of the blog world, Jess is one of the kids sitting in the back row, nodding off during lectures and drawing pictures of boobs. He shows up for class, but makes no effort. He doesn't do homework and scribbles verbal diarrhea on his pop quizzes. And he's not even providing a useful cultural service, like fuck up or class clown or skank or frighteningly scary dude with dead eyes and a collection of serial killer memorabilia.

The template is completely devoid of personality, with baby poop green and short bus yellow accents. The little overeater fat guy in the banner is cute and appropriate, but the rest of the design is bland with text that is entirely too small. I will say that at the very least it's not cluttered. Yet. But the blog is only a couple of months old, so give it time. And as for the name of the blog, Jess, does your problem have a life? Or is life your problem? The apostrophe usage is utterly confusing.

Speaking of syntax errors, this blog is an editor's nightmare, thus it is my nightmare. It's full of random capitalizations, run on sentences (and not the cute kind, like mine), spelling atrocities, and a complete disregard for the differences between your and you're. I am itching to take a red pen to your blog and mark that shit up.

Look, Jess is a nice guy. Seriously. He's a loving son and fiance. His family and friends mean a lot to him. And I gotta give it up to him for losing over 100 lbs. He seems like a genuinely good person. But there's nothing here. He posts frequently enough, but there's no personality, no connection, no insight, and ultimately, I'm sorry to say, no talent for writing. You don't have to be a great writer, or even a good writer, to blog. But if you're not, you better have something to say, even if you can't say it well. You better have a story to tell or a life full of train wrecks or a unique voice or a personality that transcends grammatical snafus or a big dick to take pictures of, because otherwise you're just there, taking up space and wasting time.

Apparently, Jess has gone this route before with us and come out with a shiny new "I fucking love you." I don't know what he did then to garner such an award, but now he's walking away with a bag full of flaming fingers.






Jess, you've got some work to do. Tighten up your writing, refrain from posting about how you're not posting, stop with the asinine jokes reminiscent of Dane Cook on his worst day, and for shit's sake give us a little personality! Right now you're just showing up and expecting credit. Do the work, get involved, lay it out there, tell a story, tell us who you are and why we should care and make it worth our while to read. Otherwise you might as well be posting updates on your MySpace page.

John Bender: [after Claire flips him off] Oh, obscene finger gestures from such a pristine girl.

Florida girls stick together. Maybe it's the suntan lotion.

I'm going to go on record here that I like myself. Oh, there are times when I hate myself -- last night, staring down the empty carton of frozen yogurt comes to mind. But, generally speaking, I think I'm pretty awesome. You do, too.

It follows, then, that I like people like me. And I also like people who like me. It's this whole mutual appreciation thing that I'm sure you adhere to, too, when you're not being misanthropic and supercilious. Or maybe you just are misanthropic and supercilious, in which case you like misanthropes who sneer a lot. But whatever. My point is, common ground goes a long way. All the way to Australia, it seems.

I am a Florida girl who's lived abroad with ties to Texas who is liberal, dislikes exercise, loves Publix, and finds solace in blog connections, and so is Florida Girl in Sydney.

The design is clean and uncluttered, though a bit bland. I like the white background and the pink accents (yes, I'm a girl). I'm undecided about the "about me" stuff in the sidebar. It's brief, so I don't really mind, but it might do to have a separate page, much like the blogroll (points for you). The tags could be solidified more: I'm not sure I know the difference between "American in Sydney" and "Expat Drama." As usual, I think the design could benefit from tabs.

This is the blog of a woman living abroad, trying to make the best of it, and logging her experiences. There are some interesting Australianisms. I like the whole "holy shit we're in Australia and I'm trying to like it but it's not all dolphins and cheery accents" vibe. Her introspection and ambivalence and honesty are humanizing and touching.

There are parts that seem like handy helpful tips to other Americans living in Australia, which, though slightly interesting, aren't really for your everyday stateside reader. But I recognize, too, that this is a good way for the Florida Girl to document her Aussie life, whether or not it's particularly riveting. And, as much as I like her, there are some parts that I, as a nonfamily member without kids who prefers pictures of puppies, skip. Though she started the blog last year, it's only been in the last few months that she's seemed to really take ownership of the blog, investing more of herself.

But aside from these few blips, where Laura tends to go on about things that most of us probably don't care about, she's funny and charming and interesting. It's a mommy blog, for sure, but that's not all it is, and it's not of the Stepford Mom variety that we all know and loathe. Laura is lazy, irresponsible, and morally bankrupt, and I like that in a person. And homie don't fuck around with the Disney cutlery, and I got her back on that one. I wish I still had mine.

Ultimately, I really like Laura. I admit to a certain bias: I've been reading her blog for a little while now, and she reads mine. Laura has improved her blogging lately and seems to be hitting her stride. She's getting a bit more personal, a bit more real. We're getting a little more of her personality in that last couple of months, and she's tightened up and told her story with her own voice, a voice I like to listen to.

In my world, there are three types of blogs I like: those that are written by true writers, who capture my imagination and thrill me with their word play; those that are written by people I connect with, who have a personality and humor that meshes with my own; and those that are written by who cares who, as long as they have lots of nudity. Laura's is the second kind, the kind where you stumble upon a friend.

In the interest of dissuading claims of cronyism, and because I think Laura has a bit more work to do to make it to "I fucking love you" land (though I do), I'm giving you:





Keep writing, keep in the direction you're going, build up your repertoire of good stuff, tighten up your writing like you have been, and get a little more seasoned and you'd earn that coveted "I fucking love you" seal of approval.

Side note: Christ on a crutch, I'm going to need therapy. These spiders are from hell. And I live in a damn swamp.

A Broad Abroad

In college I was lucky enough to do a couple of semesters of study abroad. The first was a summer semester traveling in Europe, and the second was a fall semester in Florence, Italy. Those six months and the surrounding two years or so were the best years of my life. I met my best friends, had the most fun, and became the most genuine version of myself I've met yet. I miss living abroad at least once a week, if not more. I miss speaking a foreign language, walking everywhere, the pizza margherita from Yellow Bar, sandwiches from Noe, and endless pints from Kikuya. I even miss the dog shit on the sidewalks and the men in suits pissing on the streets.

It's no wonder, then, that I enjoyed Blue Streak, an expat living in Spain with a foul-mouthed sense of humor and tendency toward snark.

In terms of design, the blue is ok, but the design is bland and generic. There's absolutely no personality, but it's nicely organized. There are a shit ton of posts on each page, though, so get ready to scroll (well, for the months where there are more than three posts). Is there something wrong with her apostrophes, or is it just me? She's got an about page, and it's great and funny and real, but I could use some more vital details like: what you do (generally speaking), why you're in Spain, who your hubs is, why Blue Streak?, etc.

Blue Streak is introspective and rambly and touching and bitchy and angsty bordering on whiny, but I don't mind because I whine about the same things. I have similar feelings about friends who have done well and my own chances of success. I guess we're just overeducated, maladjusted, childless thirty-something women with international tendencies, the grass is always greener mentalities, and a penchant for the word "fuck" who are searching for home.

There's some great stuff here: "In other words, I had the optimism of a village idiot eye-balling the haystack he just tossed his fucking needle in." And there are funny stories and tales of living abroad, which I found interesting and evocative and charming. But the only sex so far includes elderly flashers, which ew.

I can relate, and I don't live abroad anymore:

"Is this normal? Is it part and parcel to being "foreign"? A constant state of re-examination of what-ifs? Or is this what any mildy neurotic thirty something feels that has not had children yet to take away that curse of looking at ones wrinkles in the mirror too much or the sickness of dwelling on paths not taken, (wrong?) turns, U-turns..."

Blue Streak got off to a sputtering start, with just a few posts per month, but she's ramped it up recently and I'm hoping that's a taste of things to come. Her writing is personal and insightful and funny, and the only thing I can really hate on is the fact that there's not more of it. So, keep at it, give us more. And get a new template, one with some tabs and maybe some Spanish flavor and more functionality.

Today you get






because there's just not an awful lot here yet and the design is a bit meh. Otherwise, I really do fucking love you and I'm adding you to my reader.

P.S. Sorry about the hair. My suggestion? Move to Italy. Best haircuts of my life.

Dirty Tricks

There are blogs I read whose authors inspire me, whose words throb with meaning, whose nuanced and elegant writings resonate with me on a cerebral-emotional level so that I'm rendered thoughtful, introspective, moved.

This is not one of those blogs. It's scattered, rambling, clumsy, rude, vulgar, and visceral.

And I love it.

The design leaves a lot to be desired. There's no functionality besides the archives, and when you go to read them you're given each month's posts on one page, which gets super long. The font jumps from light blue to dark blue to red (Christ, my eyes) to pink to holy fuck it's purple, which I can't even read. Give us a break, please: dark text on a light background, or my eyes will fall out of my freaking head. Or, if you must stay with a dark background, use a more reader-friendly text color in a larger font.

I love the header image, but it's ginormous and requires extensive scrolling. The reading space is way too narrow -- too narrow is better than too wide (mostly, except in terms of penises and TV screens), but this makes for awkward reading. Set up an about page; I hate diving right in and trying to figure someone out from the backlog of archives. Give us a cast of characters, a few sentences about you, something to go on.

Now, to the writing. There are some rambly, boring, and pointless posts. There's a lot of weekend wrap-up, I did this then this. But you know what? I don't really give a good god damn because Lauren is raucous and inappropriate and unfailingly, brutally honest. I mean, naked in a wheel barrow? How can I not love that? She drinks a lot and posts pictures of her butt and has a funny kid. She tells interesting and naughty stories, if not particularly well written. She's fucked 80s rock stars, and I'm really ashamed by how impressed I am.

Lauren is really good with a one (or two) liner: "So I let down God and a bunch of babies so that I could have a one night stand. Nice work." And she says things like, "Ryan Reynolds... I would kill him, stuff him and hang him on my wall just to be able to fuck him for the rest of my life" which I can totally relate to. She's kind of fascinating, really, and there is no shortage of twisted little walks down memory lane. Her writing is unapologetic, balls to the wall, this is me, this is real, and I don't really give a damn what you think about it. It's refreshing and dirty at the same time.

What I really love about this blog is that there's no agenda, there's no front, there's no tidy little cubby hole you can shove her in -- it's just, flat out, the Dirty Pirate Hooker, with all her mishaps and narcissism (which is oddly endearing) and boozing and mothering her little punk and forgetting her underwear and making the best of things. There's a real life happening here, and it's not spiffed up and polished and twisted into a crowd-pleasing family friendly bit of entertainment. Lauren is completely original and an intriguing individual, and I'm adding her to my reader right now.

My own worst nightmare

It's the luck of the draw around here. The often imitated but never duplicated Love Bites reaches into her bag of tricks, shoves aside the tubes of lube, lipstick, and Lifesavers, and pulls out the blogs for us to review. It's completely random.

But this time, I think the Flying Spaghetti Monster had something to do with it. Because my hapless little reviewee got me -- a pro-choice agnostic with pagan tendencies who is a queer friendly, pro-gay marriage, anti-religious establishment, foul-mouthed sex fiend feminist liberal elitist.

Angi from Sleep for Dreaming, on the other hand, is not. Way not.

Let me just get the design critique out of the way, as it's about the only part of this site that didn't make me want to spit nails. It's actually very easy on the eyes. I can dig the gray and red. It's uncluttered and well-organized. There is, however, a section for Who's Who with nothing in it and you could stand to beef up your About page with more details.

Now, for the rest of the blog: I have absolutely nothing in common with this person. Nada. She is the antithesis of me, and it was often physically painful for me to read her blog. She's religious in the "first and foremost" sense. There's a lot of God talk, which I get enough of from my mother the priest, thank you very much. She's a conservative cat person; I'm a liberal dog person. And fuck me sideways she links to Ann Coulter.

There are a glut of posts of the pointless, interesting to no one variety, like this. And this. And, holy lord, this. Otherwise, she's got issues. There are acres and acres of angsty, self-discovery posts that really should be relegated to her bedside devotional journal. She thinks that lesbians are icky, women over 5o should pack it in, and red lipstick is from the devil (ok, I made that last part up). Oh, and side note? Scaramouche is a character, not a thing. Angie doesn't like swearing, which makes me wonder (for the zillionth time since beginning this review) why she decided to submit her site to a bunch of foul-mouthed little bastards like us.

The writing is often naive, unfocused, bland, and frankly boring but at least well-punctuated and generally grammatically correct. For me, it lacked humor, style, an engaging voice, and, of course, an author I could relate to. This post about sums it up for me: "I’ve dabbled and chicken-scratched a bit since then, but haven’t really written anything of any significance." Nothing in this blog resonated with me. But that's probably my liberal elitism showing. I always forget to tuck that in like a nice girl.

Look, I try to be objective. I try to find common ground, and I look for the magic mushrooms in the piles of dung. I tried not to let my politics -- nor the influx of my family's right wing propaganda in my inbox -- cloud my reviewing sensibilities. I am, after all, the "nice one." But this blog? Sigh. She's probably a nice person. I bet she helps little old ladies down the street and lets people cut in front of her in line if they have just one thing to buy. It's just, nothing on her blog makes me want to sit next to her on a long road trip while we hash out our differences or engage in philosophical debate. I pretty much just want to close the window and walk away. And that's probably ok with Angi, because I'm decidedly not her audience.

Finally, because I try to give constructive criticism even when my dander is up and I'm all kinds of huffy, some tips:

1. Angi, you imply some knowledge of hard times and difficulties and challenges surmounted but you never share that information. If it's too personal, I understand, but that was where you got me a little interested in your story. It might help readers get to know you (and not knee-jerk react to your politics, like me) if you give us more insight into who you are. Other than your politics and religious views and your love for song lyrics and photography, I feel like I don't know that much about you. Even though I cringed at your reasons, the Why I Could Never Be Friends With... posts revealed more about you than many others.

2. Lay off the "I did this, then I did this" weekend roundups. Unless something interesting happened, leave it out.

3. Generate discussion in your comments. Ask questions. Generate feedback and conversation.

4. There are no revelations about relationships with anyone, romantic or otherwise. Who are the people in your life? Write about them.

And I'm spent.

My first inclination is to give you about eleventy-nine million of these.






But, in retrospect, that might be letting the terrorists win.

Instead you get this, because I suspect I might be a little biased:

Alright, you little freshman bitches, air raid!*

This is going to sound all kinds of hypocritical, considering I post sometimes scathing reviews on a site with a URL of "Iwillfuckingtearyouapart," but I'm not really a fan of the whole "I'm a bitch, ask me how" genre of blogs. I know. Pot, meet kettle.

The trend for a lot of women bloggers these days seems to be marketing themselves as foul-mouthed, stiletto-wearing bitches with bad attitudes, alcoholic tendencies, and fierce clothing choices. Either that or tawdry sex kittens who are reclaiming the words "whore" or "slut." And frankly, it almost never rings true. They put on the persona, trot out their quickly and carelessly written diatribes against whoever is pissing them off that day, and wrap it up in an "I'm just bitchy that way, bite me" bow. But it's vacant, self-aggrandizing, escapist, and ultimately untrue.

I get it. The internet allows a delicious anonymity, a seductive arena for self-expression that allows us to be whoever the hell we want. It allows me to masquerade as someone who knows what the hell she's talking about, and I get to do the very things I dis in the preceding paragraph. My hypocrisy knows no bounds, but it's my review and I'll be judgmental if I want to. Bite me? Shit, I did it again.

This little exercise in futility was fueled by The Shoewhore Who Cooks: Bow Down Bitches, which is not to say that the Shoewhore is either a whore or a bitch, thus proving my point. There's very little cooking and not a lot of shoes, either, so the title is a bit of a misnomer. I expected something along the lines of this. What I got was a rather nice, sexy-seeming, moderately funny woman from the Midwest who likes to cook.

I like the design. It's uncluttered and easy to read. There's no about page, though, so I don't have any back story. I need back story, people. The blog has been around just since May, but she moved from elsewhere, so there's not a lot here.

I read the entire blog, and I didn't want to gouge my eyes out with the heel of one of her stilettos. There are some marginally funny pictures from other places, some memes, and lots of ellipses. Shoewhore makes some grammatical snafus of the apostrophe variety, along with neglecting to capitalize consistently. She does post about shoes (just twice -- not much whorage there, eh?), but I don't like any of them. She went 38 years without a driver's license and doesn't go anywhere alone, which kind of boggles my mind. But she likes Eric Balfour, who is in one of the sexiest movies ever and I'd lick him from head to toe, steamy little devil that he is, so I can't hate on her too much.

She writes some amusing (and disgusting) stories. Some could be downright hilarious if polished up a little bit. But for me the writing just kind of sat there on the screen, lolling about sloppily as I am wont to do on weekends. Or always. It didn't grab me, I didn't laugh out loud, and there wasn't any finesse or flair. I like the Shoewhore -- she seems like a fun lady with a sexy relationship and a healthy sense of humor. But some of the writing, for me, was a bit of a snooze.

I don't know your background, Shoewhore, so I don't know why you blog. It doesn't seem like you're serious about writing, but if you are, tighten up, edit, reread, and polish. Dig deeper, give us more heart and soul and sex. These posts seem flung up on the screen without much care.

If this is just an exercise in community, in relationship building, in saying whatever is on your mind, that's fine, too. But take a little more care with your craft, and don't be afraid to go deeper. You don't have to be funny all the time, and honestly sometimes the funny just didn't work for me. There's more to you than bitchy avarice -- a lot more, in fact, because I saw very little meanness or greed on your blog. Consider a rename of your blog, or live up to the title more, if that's who you want to be. But I hope you don't -- I hope you toss out the surface veneer and show us who you really are.

Today I give you





because I like you and you seem like a fun lady and I feel like you have potential. Keep blogging, edit your writing but not yourself. Let us see more of who you are, what matters to you. You read some excellent bloggers: let them influence you.



*Darla (Parker Posey), from Dazed and Confused