Can I be your guru?

When the lovely and talented (and absent) Love Bites handed me my blog to review this week, there was a note attached: "she is looking for guidance." Honey, aren't we all? I'd like some guidance about lottery numbers and full body liposuction, but that's neither here nor there. I'm happy to offer Allie at Friday Night Ambulance the benefit of my vast experience and completely biased and unprofessional opinion.

First, it's pink. Pepto-Bismol pink. And I like pink, just not this much of it. Jumping Jesus, it's too much. But wait, wasn't this a different design when I stopped by briefly yesterday? Or have I had some sort of aneurysm? Maybe it's all the weed, but I seem to recall a different (less pinkified) design. If so, Allie, dear heart, change it back. Or change it to something else. Because this? Hurts.

You love art, but there's no design on the blog at all. I know there's a tech element, but get in there! Jazz it up. Also, roll up your archives and your categories, and check out a blog design with tabs: I always like an about page. And about your categories/tags, condense 'em. You have many with only one post, and that's spreading it all a little thin.

Allie and I both know she's not a writer. This is not a writer's blog. There are quite a few its vs. it's snafus and other grammatical glitches along the way. You can get away with this (ok, not really, but I'll humor you) if you have something to say, if you have an interesting way of saying it, if you let your voice carry us away and distract us from the grammatical boo-boos. But you're not quite there, so those lapses in construction stand out and detract from your words.

Now, it's fine to blog if you're not a writer. I happen to prefer blogs with more nuanced writing, blogs where the writers have style and an eye for language and storytelling and proper apostrophe use. But the web is a wide open world full of all kinds of bloggers, and there's room for non-writers, too. It's just, I don't read a lot of them. The ones I do read have something to say, a story to tell that engages me, a personality that comes through the screen and keeps me coming back in spite of their writing ability.

Chances are, if you blog because you're bored, you'll bore your audience. Some of these posts are ever-loving long, and with the lack of spacing (I assume this is a blogger/template change issue), it's just impossible to read. Edit, edit, edit. It's a lot of "I did this, then we did this, and then the kids said this, and then we played Xbox." Pick a topic, stick with it, try not to ramble. And if you do ramble, hell, toss in a few bullet points. I do read one blogger who rambles on an ungodly lot (you know who you are), but it works for her because her voice is so engaging. But she's the exception that proves the rule, so keep it concise, go back and edit, and thank heavens you quit with that whole Blog365 thing because that, my dear, makes for some boring blog posts.

I do love your haiku, though. And there are flashes of humor. And I gotta love a girl with a porn box. But these are overshadowed by a lot of memes and the aimless rambling and posts about nothing.

Look, I like you. You're kind of bitchy and fun, and you're giving this blogging thing the old college try and I commend you for that. You know there's something you're missing, and you're willing to let me rake you over the coals to find it. Good on you.

You've already taken a good first step. You're reading some blogs with good shit. Let them influence you. Next, clean up your design. I hope that this pink overload is just a placeholder for something else, because this needs a facelift something fierce. And clean up your writing. Stay focused. Tell us a story. Post when you have something to say. Refrain from recaps unless you can pull us into the experience and make it mean something to us, otherwise it's like you're emailing with your best friends, and why not just do that over email instead of posting on a blog? Find a reason to blog other than boredom -- I suspect you have one, but maybe you haven't owned it yet.

Today I'm giving you





and a







You wanted guidance, now you've got it. And our trusty commenters will likely give you more. Pay attention, take heed, show us your artistic flair, and get to work. I think you've got it in you to punch this up a notch or two. And I'll be checking your progress.

"Life itself is the proper binge." -- Julia Child

I am not a foodie. Not really. Oh, I love to eat, don't get me wrong (you should see my thighs -- wait, no you shouldn't), and I love to travel and check out new restaurants and buy artisanal cheeses and do wine tastings and all that. But I don't cook. I have a classically trained fiance for that. But I can chop vegetables like nobody's business, and I hold my knife correctly. I'd say I'm a foodie by association. I speak the language, but haltingly and with an accent.

But Nutmeg qualifies as a bona fide foodie. I infer that she's gone to culinary school in Paris, and she teaches some cooking classes in her hometown, Milwaukee. She posts lots of yummy sounding recipes and such, which I would so cook if I actually, um, cooked.

Let me just get the design stuff out of the way. Call me girly, but she's got my favorite color: purple. Points for you. Her profile pic is charming. There's a nice variation in length of posts, some short, some long. There's no clutter. None, zero, zip. She could stand to have an About Me page, and maybe put the archives in a drop down box. I'd go for a design with tabs for an about page and recipes. The design could also use a little more flavor, a bit of spice. Although I like the purple and green, there's nothing else going on visually. And lord, how nice it would be to see pictures of some of these tasty goodies she makes.

It's not just recipes, though. Nutmeg not only knows her way around a kitchen, she knows her way around writing, too. This blog is funny and well-written, and she knows what to do with a semi-colon. I gotta love a post that begins: "Last night I had the single worst bathroom experience of my entire life. "

I get the feeling that she doesn't want to share too much, but when she does: wow. She's lived abroad, but we don't hear a lot about those experiences. And I want to. Very much.

Nutmeg's writing is refined, wry, self-aware, and neat, if unassuming. She's been blogging for over a year, and it feels like she's revealing herself layer by layer, but not swiftly enough for me. I want to know more, I want to hear all about this X, why she left New Orleans, what she did in Paris, if she ever went to Pierre Gagnier. I want to know what she wants, who her friends are, what she misses and hopes and fears. I read the blog from beginning to end, and I don't have the answers to these questions. She hasn't posted in a week, and I'm kind of pissed about that, and I've only been familiar with her for, like, two hours.

But there are virtually no comments. Why is this? I'm adding her to my reader and will commence commenting post-haste.

Nutmeg, I like you. Kind of a lot. I'd like to ferret out fabulous dessert places and pop open a bottle of amarone with you. I'd like to trade stories about Europe, too, and discuss the relative merits of gruyere and mimolette. So, come back, post more, and give us a little more meat to go with the small sides you've already given us. Give us some guts, the quinto quarto.

Punch up your design a little, delve a bit deeper in your writing, and I'll slap an "I fucking love you" on it.

You don't have to put on the red light

I am all for prostitution. Really. You wanna make a little money from your money maker? Have at it. Be safe. Save your money. Stay away from pimps. Don't fuck my fiance, and we're all good. And if you have a blog, let me read it. Because you fascinate me.

But when it comes to whoring out your blog, that gets my dander up. Sell your body, but don't sell your blog. If I see ads and pay-per-posts and ad networks, I'm going to sneer at you for being a mercenary little bastard trying to wring every last drop of money out of the internet. And then I'm going click away. Fast.

Today's blog has been pimped the hell out: Lofty Matters.

I'm not convinced this is an actual submission. I left a comment requesting verification but haven't received a response. I'm betting this is the work of our phantom submitter because I find it hard to believe someone with this type of blog would willingly offer themselves up to us for sacrifice.

But, much like Love Bites, I'm going to post this review anyway because the world needs to know: whoring your blog is a sin and you're going to burn in hell! I'm going to get myself a megaphone and a badly drawn picket sign and stand on street corners fighting the good fight against the moral depravity of spreading your blog's legs for remuneration and spreading filthy, nasty diseases like adverticankers and pay-per-pustules. Demons will carve Google ads into your ass for all eternity.

This isn't a blog, it's a paid programming channel. And when the blogger isn't shilling for someone she's posting this. Because apparently people might not know what day it is. Or something. And this. Two words. Well, I've got two words for this blogger: "get real." And "bite me."

Blogging, to me, is personal. It's intimate. There's a conversation between the blogger and the audience, a shared space. We let you in. Blogging is not Julia Roberts in "Pretty Woman" saying she won't kiss on the mouth. Bloggers give tongue, man. Or they damn well should. But this? It's flat, soulless, empty, sold out.

I know nothing about this blogger because she doesn't share. Even her About Me page is empty. Oh, there are words, but they tell nothing. The most telling part of the blog is I Disclose.

Look, Rambler--if this is real, if you actually did submit your blog for review--here's some advice. Stop with the ads and pay-per-posts. They rob your blog of any validity. By letting your blog be a platform for commercials and greed you become completely unreliable. Aside from that whole selling your soul thing, your blog needs guts. It needs you: your opinions, your thoughts, your experiences, your mistakes, your laughter.

Otherwise, what can I get for $20?

Sisters Christian

I don't have a sister, but I do have an identical cousin. And she's always stealing my shit. Ok, not really. What I do have is an older brother with whom I did not get along until he left for college and I got the house and my parents to myself. Now, we get along great and he lives abroad and I see him twice a year and miss him like crazy. The closest thing I had to a sister was my cousin B, who was three months older and bossed me around like it was her job. These days we're as different as can be. She's Southern Living and I'm Bust.

But I always wondered about sisters. Brothers are different, I'm sure, what with their shoving and dirty socks and Star Wars action figures. With sisters surely there's some sort of cosmic link, some weird feminine divinity at work. Maybe it only seems that way to me, sisterless as I am.

And so it was with natural curiosity that I read my review victims: Sisters of a Different Order. It's a blog written by two sisters, two of something like four hundred sisters, I think. I lost count. Maybe it's closer to eight. Anyway, a lot of sisters. I'd say they have a plethora of sisters.

Fascinating, right? All that sisterness? Well, no. Not really. I thought it might be, but sadly it turned out rather boring. Ok, I know that's not nice. And honestly, these ladies really are very sweet and kind-hearted and good and... boring. There are quite a few "here's what I did today" posts. And lord they do go on. And on. My scrolling finger got tired and revolted, which turned into this whole episode where I was giving my monitor the finger. It wasn't pretty. Often the writing is five-paragraph-essay-ish. You know, when you're just learning to write, and you try to write like your teacher tells you to write instead of finding your own voice. One sister is more guilty of this than the other, but across the sisterhood board they're in dire need of an off button.

Oh, and there's religion. Sigh. But it's a very accepting kind of faith, so I wasn't put off, which surprised me because normally people say "pray" or "Christian" or "church" or "sin" and my first instinct is to run far, far away. And then sin. A lot.

But one of the sisters likes Firefly, which I absolutely love 'cause Joss Whedon is my god, so she has that going for her.

As for the design, the banner isn't terrible (although, hi, bright!), but I hate the template. What's with all the colors? Find a palette, stick to it. Roll up your categories, and get rid of some of the sidebar filler. Move the archives up. They're stuck down in no man's land. Some of it is just a mess, with weird changes in font size and color and broken wrapping text around images. Also, it crashed my Firefox, but seems ok in Safari. So beware.

And so here we are down at the summary and I'm a bit surprised two slightly treacly and faithful sisters would submit here, demon spawn that we are. But they do have a sense of humor, so perhaps they have balls to match under those habits.

Overall, I didn't hate it. I didn't much like it, either, but it didn't make me want to gauge my eyes out with a Sharpie or fling invectives their way. They're nice people who write frequently and not terribly and who've created a community for themselves in a relatively short amount of time. It's innocuous, unprepossessing, scrubbed up, and cheerful. Get a new template, clean up your sidebar, and polish up the writing (read: cut out about half of the words you write, have a point and stick to it, and don't include 12 different topics in one post if you can help it). Find your voice, and use it.





Also? Just for me? Maybe get a little gritty? I need a little bad. Ok a lot.

You get this little guy for being so sweet.