The male of the species

Here's where I admit a personal bias: I don't read a lot of blogs by men. Time was I had almost nothing but male friends, and I couldn't relate to women at all, catty, competitive, mercurial creatures that we are. But times change, and I changed, and eventually I forgot about most men in favor of one man with his magic hands and silly laugh and grumpiness. I kind of forgot you all existed outside of eye candy and literature. Then Jubblies and Booty came along and I realized I'd been missing out.

When I landed on People in the Sun, I thought, "Great. A dude. I'm so not going to get him." But I'm a total idiot because I started reading and I couldn't stop. I turned around and went right back to the beginning and read pretty much every post. Because this guy is, above all things, interesting. The writing is evocative and thoughtful and some of it is pretty gorgeous. He says things like, "My grandfather had this big white beard that made words disappear" and "I want Jon Stewart to try to understand my world view in five minutes."And he's funny. Really funny.

I did find myself skimming the political bits (even though I mostly agree with him), which disappoints me. Once upon a time I'd have dug right in. Is this what apathy looks like?

He owns the cutest damn dogs (aside from my own four mutts). And he lives in Baltimore, a strange little microcosm of bizarre dialects and eclectic weirdness that I know all too well. Man, is there a lot to blog about in Baltimore, or what?

As for the design, roll up archives, please. The template makes my eyes hurt what with all the overlapping text. I could go for some black or dark type on a light background. And there's that odd switch in text size Blogger seems to do willy-nilly. Maybe include the graphic of "People in the Sun" toward the top since that's, you know, the blog title. Right now it's hanging out down there at the bottom being all reclusive and shy and purposeless. The tag cloud bugs me for no good reason. Can't you just give us categories and roll those up? And I'm partial to an "About Me" page. Otherwise, at least there are no blinkies or blings.

I get that you're a new dad and there's lots going on and you're not going to load us up with filler in your blog. I respect that. Hell, I applaud it. But I still want more. If you posted more than once a week (and if you tarted up your design a bit) I'd fucking love you. As it is

Did I say that out loud?

I promised y'all last week that, regardless of merit, I was gonna hate on my reviewee this week. Now, chances are I'm a liar, because I'm pretty much going to review with my gut, and if it happens that I like a blog, I'm going to say so. But dagnabit, I do like it when I'm able to get all vitriolic because y'all tend to comment more that way. And bloggers are all comment whores. Leave the money on the dresser.

It's come to my attention that I've gotten a reputation as "the nice one." This is perhaps deserved, insofar as I'm not one for conflict, I don't like to stir up shit, and I tend to go a little easy on the flaming fingers. I'm fairly even-tempered, and I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. I'm a glass-is-half-full (of wine) kind of girl.

But I'm nothing compared to this chick: Thinking Out Loud.

People, it is pretty much sunshine and lollipops over there. Problem is, I'm not entirely sure what "over there" is. Is this a blog or a self-help site? What is the purpose? The header says, "My rants or ramblings about life," but I don't believe her because there are all these posts about money (35 posts) and blogging (21 posts) and such. If it's a finance blog, say so. If it's self-help, say so. And why all the posts about blogging? Are you trying to be a resource for bloggers? What the hell is the purpose of this blog? Your "Meet the Blogger" page doesn't say.
You're all over the place. There seems to be a website. And a blog. And a weightloss blog. Why? I'm so lost. Hold me?

About the design, I don't mind the colors, and it's clean and easy to read (barring having to click to read more -- HATE! Unless there's something spoilery after the jump, just leave it all out there, don't make us work more to get to the goods), but ultimately what you've got here looks like a corporate blog. It looks like somewhere I'd go to find out about mortgage rates or human resources seminars.

Who is this cartoon person following my cursor? I want to smack a bitch.

What's the difference between "flash back" and "recent posts"? You really don't need more than maybe the last 4 posts, and you've already got an archive page at the top, so watch the overkill. You've got the recent comments dealio, but there aren't any actual comments there, just the names of the people who commented and the post they commented on. Who cares? If you want to spotlight your commenters (which, why?), actually include the text of their comment. Otherwise you're just creating more and more filler. Filler that makes me, the nice one, want to get out the birch rods.

Jesus, archives AND a calendar? No. Just no.

Otherwise, the writing is... chipper (Look, people: I used ellipses! Correctly!). It's very Good Housekeeping-ish, chatty, "studies show," rah-rah. There are some chuckles. Chippy, cheerful chuckles. No one's cackling with glee here.

And holy lord, there's some shameless blog promotion (at least she admits it). Advertising? Your blog? That feels dirty. She's a very different blogger from me and those whose blogs I enjoy most. It seems like she approaches this like a job, like a way to break into something. It's all marketing and spit-shine and I want to hate it because it's gutless. Yes, gutless. There's nothing on the line here, there's nothing revealed. We don't get to see who Valerie really is beyond helpful saving suggestions and surface twaddle. There are no relationships explored, no real memories shared, no meat, no dimension, no sexiness. And I don't mean it's gotta be raunchy (although that'd be great, please) -- I mean sexy like interesting, piquing, engrossing, bulging, tightening... ooops, got carried away there.

Also, I've seen Rodin's Thinker in situ, and you're not doing him justice. Art, girl, ART! Be lyrical, be emotional, be thoughtful, be meditative, be exposed.

Look, Valerie, you're a nice person. I can tell that. You're even an interesting person (Stuck in an elevator in Cartagena? Locking people out of bathrooms? Yes! More of that!), but it all gets lost in the acres and acres of self-helpy "I'm a personal organizer. Ask me how!"-type crap. I don't want to discourage you because you've obviously put some effort into this, you write consistently and not terribly, and I don't hate you. But for the love of Shamwow, find some focus, figure out why you're blogging, what you want to gain, and who your audience is. If it's a general blog about your life, be that and leave out all the money-saving crap. If you're trying to break into the self-help or financial consultant field, put that out there. But don't go all infomercial on us and expect me to like it.

You knew it wasn't going to be pretty. You knew you were sticking your neck out. Because of that, and because you're nice and devoted and eager and you smile like you really mean it, I'm giving you





But because you lack focus, I feel like you're selling me something, and you haven't broken the surface, I'm giving you







I say these things because I care. And it hurts me more than it hurts you.

Nah, it doesn't. Here's some ointment for the sting.

Hey nineteen

When I was 19, I was trying to get laid. That was pretty much my reason for living. That and beer, but beer was a means to getting laid, so vicious cycle and all that. My point is, I was kind of superficial. Ok, so I went to Europe and did study abroad and had a huge crush on my archeology professor in such an Indiana Jones kind of way and dreamed of changing the future with knowledge of the past (history majors are so deluded) and soaked up all the art and culture I could stand. But mostly I was checking out cute boys and getting naked.

Maria is the girl I could have been had my hormones not gotten the better of me for, oh, always. And had I been about four hundred times smarter. She's bright as a button and eager and self-aware and sassy. She's insightful for 19. Hell, she's insightful for 33. At 19 I was about as insightful as a mole, which is to say myopic and tunnel-visioned. There's some rambling, and she could stand to tighten up. But even the rambling is self-actualized, which pisses me off to no end.

Design-wise, this blog is fine. It could use some personalization, but it's tidy and well organized and not cluttered up with flashing doo-dads or dollies or ads. I suggest pulling in a little more personality, maybe get a custom banner or something. Also, your little blurb in the sidebar needs to be in first person. Who are you, The Jimmy?

Reading this, I feel unutterably old. Why, in my day, we barely had internet! And I had to go to this place called a library to use it. And it was slow and run by rubber bands. Laptops? What? Cell phones? No, beepers. Beepers, people! And we could spell "boobs" by punching in 80085. Talk about technological advancements.

It's a fucking ellipses conspiracy, man. Get a new punctuation mark! The em dash loves you. And what is with the younger generation and their lack of capitalization? You're just too busy with all your electronic doohickeys and instant gratification and venti caramel macchiatos and whatnot, eh? Well, I have those things, too (except for the macchiato -- I'm more of a chai girl), and somehow I manage to make that crucial extra reach toward the shift key. And I'm old and creaky.

Some of it is so good, but then it peters out, the conclusion gets lost, she doesn't know where to end it (and she knows it). This post would have been so much better had she hit the brakes at the end of the fifth paragraph. But instead we get several more paragraphs of filler. Don't need it, get rid of it, use it in a different post.

When it comes right down to it, though, all my snarkitude in this review comes from a deep and abiding jealousy. Maria, you're 19 and you're smart and cute and perky (but not too perky) and engaging and tuned in and self-aware in a way that is not at all obnoxious but rather heartening and hopeful. And you've got the whole wide world in front of you and I could just kick you.

Instead, by using my complex Ask Rating Formula (patent pending), and factoring in your age and experience and potential, I'm giving you





And if we had an anti-Abercrombie image, you would get it because you, dear, are not a follower or a poser or a sheep. You're uniquely you, and I'm impressed.

P.S. Internets, next time I promise to hate the reviewee, regardless of merit. Because the love fest of Calamity must end. Unless the love fest includes Viggo Mortensen and Jason Lewis with a side of Josh Holloway.